Today I want to share a lesson I’ve learned since moving in with Dave and his family: Every bathroom needs a locked door.
I know, I know. That seems like common sense. But just in case you were thinking of moving into a house without, let me tell you from experience that it is not a good idea.
Up until last week, I lived in a house with no bathroom lock. And the only reason that changed was due to my multiple traumatic run-ins with other members of Dave’s family. Let me explain.
Dave’s house has one bathroom. This bathroom has no lock. It has a thin rectangular window above the door which is helpful in determining if the light is on, but that’s it. And it’s generally left shut even when no one is using it because they don’t want the bird to fly in there and shit everywhere or fly out one of the windows that are usually cracked open.
Since moving in, I’ve used four main indicators to determine whether or not it’s safe for me to enter the bathroom:
- Is the door open or shut? It’s typically shut, but if it’s open I can generally assume that it’s empty.
- Is the light on or off? If it’s on, someone is likely to be in there.
- Do I hear anything? Obviously if there’s water running then I should come back at a later time.
- Does anyone respond to my knock? If no one does, the coast should be clear.
Of course, things are never that easy though.
Incident One: Walking in on Dave’s mom
I know I became part of the family when I married Dave, but I really have no desire to have the type of relationship with his mother where we can pee in front of one another without a care in the world.
Imagine my surprise then when I walked towards the bathroom one night, saw the lights were off and the door open, to have the door slammed back at me because Dave’s mom was on the toilet.
How was I supposed to know she was there? The lights were off! The door was open! My indicators were telling me the coast was clear.
The coast was very much not clear.
According to Dave’s mom, the door was originally closed but swung open of its own accord. And the lights? I don’t think I ever got an excuse for that.
Needless to say I became a bit more wary after that first incident, hoping to never repeat it again. And while that specific scenario didn’t reoccur, I was blessed with two other variations before the bathroom finally achieved lock status.
Incident Two: Dave’s mom opening the door on me
Ah yes, the roles were reversed! But not quite.
You see, I was in the bathroom doing my business. The lights were on. The door was shut. I did all the things one should do when trying to relieve themselves in private, but it didn’t matter.
Next thing I know, the door suddenly flies open on me. I let out of a little shout, reach over from the toilet to shut it again, and am met with apologies from Dave’s mum.
She wasn’t even opening the bathroom door to use the bathroom! She had just put the bird back in its cage so decided to open the bathroom door to let some air flow through the house. She just came upstairs to whip the door open and go back down. That’s it. And of course she just assumed I was in my bedroom so didn’t think to knock.
Because, you know, I must never pee?
She apologised and left me to finish up and that was that, but oh, what an unwanted shock. At this point I was feeling pretty helpless. It didn’t matter what I do, the bathroom was not a safe place in this household. I had to be on guard during every pee.
And then the third incident happened.
Incident Three: Walking in on Dave’s brother… naked
Yes, you read that right. I walked in on Dave’s brother naked.
I did ALL of the things, reader. The door was shut. I checked the window to see if the light was on. I stopped and listened to see if water was running. I knocked. I did all of the things and yet I still failed to avoid the traumatic experience of walking in on someone naked. (Luckily it was just the rear.)
How does this happen? Why does this happen? Surely there’s a rule that a house cannot be built without a bathroom lock?
I’m not going to lie, I went back to Dave’s room and cried after this one. Not because it was a super traumatic experience (I mean, it was definitely unwanted and I’d prefer if it never had happened), but because I couldn’t believe that I lived in a world where a bathroom lock could be considered such a luxury. I told Dave I was considering just pissing myself in his room everyday instead of attempting to use the house bathroom after that incident because it was all getting to be just too much.
And I guess the tears were all I was missing because that same night, Dave came home from work and screwed a lock into the bathroom door.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I can now pee without fear of intruders! Hip hip hooray! And, as long as his family members remember to use the lock, I shouldn’t have to ever walk in on them naked or peeing or whatever else they like to do in the bathroom ever again. (Please oh please let them remember to use the lock.)
I never knew I could be so happy about such a simple thing.
Have you ever lived in a house without a bathroom lock? Did you guys manage it okay, or did it lead to wonderful incidents like the ones I experienced? And if you have had one of those awkward experiences where you’ve walked in on someone, tell me about it! I need to know others have felt my pain!